The First

August! August! August!

Woah. Honestly I’m still in shock that this month has finally gotten here. I’m finally moving. I’m finally taking a step in the right direction. Or what I hope is something close in the right direction.

I can’t help but feel entirely bittersweet that this month has finally come. As packing came to a close and I realize that the only thing I have left is myself and a few tshirts, it’s come to dawn on me. I’m moving this week. Moving across the pond. Across the world from friends I’d made, and relationships I’ve built. (Seriously they’re the best! They got me the pen below and gave me the coolest Darth Vader card! In Spanish!!). I’ve come to realize that moving of my own accord is the hardest part about moving. Plus the actual moving portion.

I don’t want to leave behind the life I’ve built in Miami but I’m more than thrilled to see what awaits me in London. An adventure I’m not sure I’m ready to launch into but I’m more than ready to try. This has been a long time planning and a long time coming. It’s a shock it’s here but hey, time moves on without our consent, even with the social construct behind it.

My suitcase is packed to the brim, first time in my life I’ve traveled with this many things. I even have to leave stuff behind for my mother to bring me later. Packed to the brim as I am, and as nerve racking this flight might be, still I strive to look forward to it. As close as it is, this move has still not felt real, but instead as though it’s some hollow dream too far away for me to really grasp.

I know the moment I’m moved in and everything is settled that I’ll be able to feel as though it’s real. When I start earning money and paying rent. When I start contributing to things more it’ll feel as though I belong, as though this wasn’t all for shits. For now though, without things really glueing to me to one place, I feel lost in a state of limbo. Which way to do I go? How to manage what’s around me? What if I fail? What if I disappoint everyone around me? I feel a struggle to find who am I while not burning the bridges around me.

Yet, I can feel the voices of my friends cheering me on. I can hear them telling me they know I’ll become something. That I’ll make something of myself. These friends that I can start thinking about without crying about how much I’ll miss each and everyone of them. The friends around me this evening. The friends I’ll snapchat and eventually see when they visit or when I visit. These friends, they’re friends for life. I won’t lose contact with people as great as they are.

With their cheers I know I can accomplish anything. I can’t fail the ones I love. I won’t fail you guys I promise!

Here I go!

No more… deadlines?

I have by some miracle completed my bachelor’s education. I know, I know. I already talked about getting accepted into the Master’s program I wanted but this is completely separate. I turned in my last assignment yesterday. The last test was taken yesterday. In all regards, I have completed my bachelor education, I have graduated.

Yet, next week I will need to officially graduate in front of my family and about a thousand other people I have absolutely no connection to.  If you haven’t already been able to tell, I’m not entirely fond of graduations. They’re long and awfully boring, not to mention the fact that it’s all to see the graduate walk across a stage for five seconds while they are given a fake diploma. If we’re given anything at all when we walk. I’m not entirely bitter about that situation though I am nervous about falling flat on my face. It’s the same fear I had when walking about my high school graduation. Hey, at least I didn’t fall then!

This feeling of completion, however, has left me without a deadline over my head. Up until this moment, my entire life had been based around deadlines. Deadline to graduate. Deadline to complete assignment. Deadline to work on papers. School was surrounded by deadlines, which is fine, after all it’s the only way that we’re able to learn, but I was terrified yesterday.

I had no idea what to do.

Without a single deadline to think of, apart from my actual graduation next Tuesday, I was left in the blank putting meat into zipblocks in order to save and separate it in the freezer. Things I used to avoid doing I now have no excuse but to do. It brings a feeling of emptiness which is strange since I am completing something.

I’m ready for this change, however. I am ready for school to not feel as though it’s a part of me but something I accomplished. I don’t want to be defined by how well I retained information in school or not. There’s so much more to life than just going to school and having the reading comprehension to pass my courses.

I like that I’m no longer truly defined by what my grade is. Graduate School is different, and soon enough I’ll be able to learn just how different, but for now I am more than happy to be moving on from college. I’m ready to start on a lasting impact, to control my outcome and fund my own happiness. College has helped me in so many ways and I’m eternally grateful to all of my friends and Professors who have helped me along. College has also held me back. It’s taken my muse and my inspiration. I struggled with it while attending school, but I’m happy to be able to dedicate myself to my writing for the summer.

Maybe even later, who knows? I certainly don’t, and I’m learning to accept that.